Saturday, December 25, 2010

So, this is christmas

Well, I just got home from the hospital a little bit ago. My mom and I were just looking at the tree and I guess Christmas is over. It was a long day-anyone who has sat in a tiny hospital room all day knows that the time goes by s-l-o-w-l-y. But I guess it was nice to spend some time with my family. I introduced my dad to the show Modern Family and he is already obsessed. While Julia was getting a breathing treatment, my mom and I played gin rummy. We also went out to dinner at a Chinese place. Which was weird. Because that's usually something that people who don't celebrate Christmas do. But we were an exception there by an unfortunate circumstance. I love spending time with my mom, but we always end up sad. I hope that I am able to cheer her up a little bit though at least. Even though there were no gifts opened and no fancy meals, it was still a goodish day. I wish I had been able to do something with my sister, but at least we could sort of still be together.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve used to be my favorite day of the year. But now it is probably the worst/loneliest. I am sitting in my room wrapping gifts for my mom. It is just so stupid. Julia and I used to always do this together. Actually she doesn't know how to wrap, so I would wrap the presents and she would keep me company and we would listen to Christmas music. Even when she was sick, this was something we could always do together. Now, she isn't even here and my mom and I are leaving in about an hour to drive downtown to spend Christmas Eve with her. I don't even know if she'll be alive next year. She is already gone in so many ways. I am just so sad and lonely without her. Christmas was always such a fun time for us. Now, I don't even feel like it's Christmas. Actually, the whole holiday makes me angry. What is the point of buying all this stuff for people when they don't even need it? The only thing I could ever want for Christmas is something that no one could ever get me. Why are we still buying all of this stuff and why do I have to wrap it? It's such a waste of time and it makes me sick. At least we're going to Christmas Eve service in the city tonight so I don't have to see all of the fake people at my church. I am so sick of living in a place where the worst thing that could happen to people is not getting what they want for Christmas. This town makes me feel sick to my stomach day after day. This entire holiday makes me feel sick. I hope there are a few people out there who actually appreciate what they have, who are enjoying spending time with their families instead of thinking about what they're going to open up tomorrow.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Where are you christmas

There is no christmas cheer here at all. It's understandable, but so awful. What is this tree even doing in my house? It just seems weird

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

It's beginning to feel a lot like......nothing.

It is December 22nd. I can't believe it. But it feels like it's August. Okay, no, it doesn't, not the weather at least because it's freezing and there's a ton of snow. So February maybe. But it doesn't feel like Christmas time at all. My mom has hardly been home at all and Julia has been in the hospital for over 3 weeks. Maybe the saddest part is that it doesn't even feel very weird. I feel like she's in the hospital the same amount of time that she is home. But she has never been in the hospital on Christmas. With my family dissolving, Christmas doesn't really have much meaning to me anymore. It's nice to see all the lights up and drive around in the snow listening to Christmas music, and of course the tree is beautiful, but what is Christmas really? It should be a time that you're with your family and thankful that they are around you....kind of impossible for me. I wish I could be thankful for what I have. Yes, I love my friends to death, but they all have their own families. Oh well I guess life just isn't fair.

Friday, December 17, 2010


I thought I would be happy to be home. Actually, it's terrible. My parents have fought the entire time. I hate being home. It's better than being at school, but just a little bit.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Procrastination Nation

Well my friends it is 1:11 am and I am in the Wells Library. I have really come to hate this place. At least I finally got my computer connected to the internet. Anyways, I am here because I left all of my business law homework until the last minute. Why would I ever do it when it was actually assigned? It's all due tomorrow at 9:30 am which I think is a little mean. Couldn't it at least be due tomorrow night? Anyways, I have 3 papers left to write. I actually like writing papers, but they are on boring subjects that I am not really interested in and don't know about. Of course I already did the interesting ones and have had them out of the way for a while. Even though I am dreaming about opening up the window in my room and snuggling in my bed, I know that time is very far off. If I even make it there at all tonight. I wish I could just make myself do this work. But of course I am doing everything but the work I actually have to do. Do you ever feel that way? On another note, Morgan and I witnessed a couple getting a little too touchy feely in the library. Look at my mobile uploads on facebook and you will know what I mean! We are even in the quiet section....just doesn't seem right. Even though most people have cleared out, the couple is still here! They are actually working now though. Sadly, they have probably gotten a lot more accomplished tonight than I have. I must say, I am quite depressed. So much work, this weather, my sister not doing well, and just missing all of my friends and knowing I cannot be with them is really getting to me. I am trying to stay positive, but it gets harder and harder. At least I will be home soon. That is pretty much the only thing keeping me going. I think I'm going to try to work out tomorrow, maybe some physical exertion would raise my spirits. But who knows. I hope everyone's hanging in there during finals week. If you have some big projects due--take a tip and TRY to start them 2 days ahead of when it's due. That doesn't seem like a lot of time, but trust me it would have made a big difference.

Day of hell

EVERYTHING for my business law class is due tomorrow. So today is going to be just an awful day because I'm going to have to cram and finish all of the work that I should have been keeping up with all semester. And I just found out that I have to go to a meeting tonight. I can't wait for tomorrow when I will be completely done with all of this. I just have the worst stomach ache and I want to go back to bed so badly. On the bright side, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" just came on my iTunes. It's a good sign because that is one of my favorite songs.

Monday, December 6, 2010

17 degrees

That's what the temperature was today. I HATE cold weather. It makes me in the worst mood ever.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Less than 2 weeks

Currently, I am sitting in the library listening to the Holiday Lite. You may ask, how can you be in Indiana listening to a Chicago radio station? But no worries, it is online for those of you who didn't know. So you can always here your favorite Christmas classics no matter where you are! Anyways, I guess I'm trying to cheer myself up and it is working a little. Sometimes I feel like every Christmas gets worse. Even though I really do love Christmas. I guess it's just that every day gets worse. Problems at home always seem to overshadow everything else, which sucks, but it's part of life. Lately I just haven't been able to concentrate on other things.
In the meantime, I have a TON of work to do. Finals are only a week and a half away so it's pretty stressful as you can imagine. But I am going home again in less than 2 weeks- that thought is really keeping me going. Hopefully my mom will be able to drive down and pick me up because it's always a lot of fun to spend some time with her. Even though being at home is very stressful, it is rewarding, and it is definitely less stressful than being here. I wish I could start to like school more.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

What do you do

When you want something so much but it's impossible, when you love something so much but you know it will be gone soon and there's nothing you can do