Monday, March 25, 2013

I keep so much inside and I feel like it is honestly killing me. I am having a serious anxiety attack right now I am freaking out and trying so hard to control my feelings. I want to cry so hard so badly but can't let myself because I need to go to bed and wake up early tomorrow for an interview. I am all alone so lonely so sad so upset I HATE being alone and I can't do it. What am I gonna do next year and how am I gonna find a roommate?? How am I going to possibly deal with being away from my family and all of the people I love and know. Especially the people I love. I just feel so sad and lost and alone and scare and I have no idea what to do

Monday, February 25, 2013


My life feels like a merry go round. Except its not one of the fun ones you ride as a kid. It's actually terrifying because its spinning so quickly and there's no way to get off. You can't even look out and see all that's around you you can only focus on what's right ahead. Try to switch places and you might fall. I don't like this because I feel so dizzy and just so tired I want to jump off even though I know I'll hurt myself I want it to stop so badly or at least for it to turn a little bit more slowly please?

Sunday, February 10, 2013

I am scared to love someone because what if they leave what then. I know I haven't been as close with my friends lately and I'm guessing its because I've been spending way more time with him but if he leaves I'll have no one. It's so scary but I don't want my being scared to get in the way of a good thing because I've never met someone who makes me feel so special or loved or important and I need that I really do

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I'm catching up on the bachelor and in the episode Sean the bachelor takes 2 girls with chronic illnesses to an amusement park with him and his date and basically makes their lives. And guess what they have mitochondrial disease aka the disease Julia has I thought that might have been what they had before they even said it and I am just crying so much watching them you can tell they are sick but they are just so happy and it's the farthest thing from their minds. And this isn't just a "tough time" they will go through because this disease will only get worse and take over more and more of their bodies until they can't do anything anymore until it kills them. I just can't stop crying I hate that this has taken over my sisters life because I just want her to be happy like those girls and like every teenage girl should be. Life is so unfair and I hate it honestly what I would do to trade my life in so she could live one Jesus Christ it kills me that I can't and there's nothing I can do and it's too late I feel like the sadness inside of me will always be there and never go away why did it have to happen life is just so terrible sometimes

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I need to post this hilarious link in my blog so I never lose it. If you need a good laugh just read through! I will never understand some people

Monday, January 21, 2013

So mad at myself

I hate myself I really do. I was so down and sad and in a bad mood all weekend which just made me extremely unpleasant. The reason I went home was to spend time with my mom and cheer her up but my mood got in the way and I basically acted terrible the whole time. Now I'm back at school and I miss her so much and it's like well I didn't even show her I loved her at all while I was actually with her. I cried so many times on the car ride back and couldn't breathe I almost had to pull over and I'm crying now silently in my bed. Why can't I control my emotions ever I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I am so sad and unhappy I right now I just want to cry so much and I can hardly see as I type this why can't I just be the person that I want to be instead I ruin everything and make myself so miserable I can't stand it

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I am so scared and worried that I'll be like this for my entire life. So sad and down and just feeling so worthless and upset all the time. It used to be that I was mostly happy and sometimes down but now it's like I'm mostly down and sometimes happy. Why do I get like this. I try I figure out what sets it off but I just don't know I hope I can find a way out of it

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Bad reaction

Why did I come home I've been here for about 2 hours and I can't think or breathe just freak out and cry I just don't get why I am having this reaction it's worse than any anxiety attack I usually get and I have to hide it from my mom she wanted me to come home so badly I need someone to hold me and play with my hair and whisper to me it's alright I just need someone

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


I can sense a really big anxiety attack coming on. All I want to do is cry myself to sleep but that's not really an option with five roommates. Never thought I'd say it but I am so homesick I just do not want to be here at all