So mad at myself

I hate myself I really do. I was so down and sad and in a bad mood all weekend which just made me extremely unpleasant. The reason I went home was to spend time with my mom and cheer her up but my mood got in the way and I basically acted terrible the whole time. Now I'm back at school and I miss her so much and it's like well I didn't even show her I loved her at all while I was actually with her. I cried so many times on the car ride back and couldn't breathe I almost had to pull over and I'm crying now silently in my bed. Why can't I control my emotions ever I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I am so sad and unhappy I right now I just want to cry so much and I can hardly see as I type this why can't I just be the person that I want to be instead I ruin everything and make myself so miserable I can't stand it