Last night I started feeling so down on myself for some reason and doubting everything in my relationship and the future. I'm worried G and I are going to grow distant again because whenever I feel him being just a little distant, I pull away and then get mad. Sometimes even one off day can lead to weeks of off days and I'm just worried that's going to happen again. I hate that one person can make me feel so down. I know it's not fair for me to expect to be his priority when I'm not even there, but I think I just take things too seriously sometimes. I always feel like I put more into all of my relationships than I get out, but I don't know why that is.

paranoid thoughts

Why does my mind always jump to the worst places when I don't hear back from someone? Not only oh no, what could I have done wrong? did I upset them somehow?, but then to what if they're lying dead somewhere? what if they are drugged and kidnapped? what if I never see/hear from them again? I don't know, maybe I just have an overactive imagination, but I can't stop FREAKING OUT when it has been a long time and someone hasn't called or texted me back. Even though I can also think of plenty of logical explanations why they wouldn't be responding, none of those logical thoughts can do anything to push away all of the negative and extremely paranoid thoughts. I wish everyone could just respond to me within an hour so I would not feel this way. Or that I could follow my own advice and chill out and not have to worry about everyone else so much. Please go away, horrible thoughts!!!!

Ugh whenever I leave G I miss him so much it hurts. I really didn't think I would cry yesterday but I did. It's just the worst and sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself. It's insane how one person can control so much of your emotions and mean so much to your happiness. Everything is just better when I'm with him. Even though I was sick all weekend (stomach virus :/ ), I still had a great time because we just talked and cuddled and watched college basketball all weekend. Yeah, I would have had way more fun if I had been well, but it was still great. It's just so hard having to say goodbye every time I see him.

Attempting to Blog Again

Well, I think I am going to come back to blogging! I stopped because most blogs that I read turned into things that I didn't like. My blog is like my online diary, but most blogs out there seem to be completely unrealistic and they aren't fun to read. Anyways, this blog is for me, so who knows how long I'll be back at it, but we'll see!

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I keep so much inside and I feel like it is honestly killing me. I am having a serious anxiety attack right now I am freaking out and trying so hard to control my feelings. I want to cry so hard so badly but can't let myself because I need to go to bed and wake up early tomorrow for an interview. I am all alone so lonely so sad so upset I HATE being alone and I can't do it. What am I gonna do next year and how am I gonna find a roommate?? How am I going to possibly deal with being away from my family and all of the people I love and know. Especially the people I love. I just feel so sad and lost and alone and scare and I have no idea what to do

Merry-go-round

My life feels like a merry go round. Except its not one of the fun ones you ride as a kid. It's actually terrifying because its spinning so quickly and there's no way to get off. You can't even look out and see all that's around you you can only focus on what's right ahead. Try to switch places and you might fall. I don't like this because I feel so dizzy and just so tired I want to jump off even though I know I'll hurt myself I want it to stop so badly or at least for it to turn a little bit more slowly please?