It's crazy how I can be so mad at him, seriously livid, and then when I hear his voice and talk to him, everything is better. I wish I could write a manual on myself for everyone that I interact with about what to do when I'm upset. It's very simple. Just try to talk to me and don't give up if I seem mad because once I talk about my feelings for 5 minutes or so, I drop it and everything is fine. This post is very vague, but sometimes I just need to be mad and for someone to acknowledge it, is that so wrong?

I have a shopping problem

SERIOUSLY!!!! It's sick. I shouldn't even go on websites. I really want a pair of high waisted jean shorts, so I went on Forever21 since it's something I don't want to spend a lot on. I now have over $200 worth of merchandise in my cart and I can't take anything out! Nothing is that expensive and some things I would definitely return, but I really want to order all of it. Ugh. I should just close the tab and not buy anything, right? It's just so tough! I don't live close to a Forever21 so I can really only order online. At least I set aside savings when I get each paycheck, but if I order it, I'm going to be skimping on everything else this month. Someone stop meeeeee please.

Last night I started feeling so down on myself for some reason and doubting everything in my relationship and the future. I'm worried G and I are going to grow distant again because whenever I feel him being just a little distant, I pull away and then get mad. Sometimes even one off day can lead to weeks of off days and I'm just worried that's going to happen again. I hate that one person can make me feel so down. I know it's not fair for me to expect to be his priority when I'm not even there, but I think I just take things too seriously sometimes. I always feel like I put more into all of my relationships than I get out, but I don't know why that is.

paranoid thoughts

Why does my mind always jump to the worst places when I don't hear back from someone? Not only oh no, what could I have done wrong? did I upset them somehow?, but then to what if they're lying dead somewhere? what if they are drugged and kidnapped? what if I never see/hear from them again? I don't know, maybe I just have an overactive imagination, but I can't stop FREAKING OUT when it has been a long time and someone hasn't called or texted me back. Even though I can also think of plenty of logical explanations why they wouldn't be responding, none of those logical thoughts can do anything to push away all of the negative and extremely paranoid thoughts. I wish everyone could just respond to me within an hour so I would not feel this way. Or that I could follow my own advice and chill out and not have to worry about everyone else so much. Please go away, horrible thoughts!!!!

Ugh whenever I leave G I miss him so much it hurts. I really didn't think I would cry yesterday but I did. It's just the worst and sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself. It's insane how one person can control so much of your emotions and mean so much to your happiness. Everything is just better when I'm with him. Even though I was sick all weekend (stomach virus :/ ), I still had a great time because we just talked and cuddled and watched college basketball all weekend. Yeah, I would have had way more fun if I had been well, but it was still great. It's just so hard having to say goodbye every time I see him.

Attempting to Blog Again

Well, I think I am going to come back to blogging! I stopped because most blogs that I read turned into things that I didn't like. My blog is like my online diary, but most blogs out there seem to be completely unrealistic and they aren't fun to read. Anyways, this blog is for me, so who knows how long I'll be back at it, but we'll see!

Follow">http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/5470243/?claim=crue8wh5krh">Follow my blog with Bloglovin

I keep so much inside and I feel like it is honestly killing me. I am having a serious anxiety attack right now I am freaking out and trying so hard to control my feelings. I want to cry so hard so badly but can't let myself because I need to go to bed and wake up early tomorrow for an interview. I am all alone so lonely so sad so upset I HATE being alone and I can't do it. What am I gonna do next year and how am I gonna find a roommate?? How am I going to possibly deal with being away from my family and all of the people I love and know. Especially the people I love. I just feel so sad and lost and alone and scare and I have no idea what to do

Merry-go-round

My life feels like a merry go round. Except its not one of the fun ones you ride as a kid. It's actually terrifying because its spinning so quickly and there's no way to get off. You can't even look out and see all that's around you you can only focus on what's right ahead. Try to switch places and you might fall. I don't like this because I feel so dizzy and just so tired I want to jump off even though I know I'll hurt myself I want it to stop so badly or at least for it to turn a little bit more slowly please?

I am scared to love someone because what if they leave what then. I know I haven't been as close with my friends lately and I'm guessing its because I've been spending way more time with him but if he leaves I'll have no one. It's so scary but I don't want my being scared to get in the way of a good thing because I've never met someone who makes me feel so special or loved or important and I need that I really do

I'm catching up on the bachelor and in the episode Sean the bachelor takes 2 girls with chronic illnesses to an amusement park with him and his date and basically makes their lives. And guess what they have mitochondrial disease aka the disease Julia has I thought that might have been what they had before they even said it and I am just crying so much watching them you can tell they are sick but they are just so happy and it's the farthest thing from their minds. And this isn't just a "tough time" they will go through because this disease will only get worse and take over more and more of their bodies until they can't do anything anymore until it kills them. I just can't stop crying I hate that this has taken over my sisters life because I just want her to be happy like those girls and like every teenage girl should be. Life is so unfair and I hate it honestly what I would do to trade my life in so she could live one Jesus Christ it kills me that I can't and there's nothing I can do and it's too late I feel like the sadness inside of me will always be there and never go away why did it have to happen life is just so terrible sometimes

I need to post this hilarious link in my blog so I never lose it. If you need a good laugh just read through! I will never understand some people

So mad at myself

I hate myself I really do. I was so down and sad and in a bad mood all weekend which just made me extremely unpleasant. The reason I went home was to spend time with my mom and cheer her up but my mood got in the way and I basically acted terrible the whole time. Now I'm back at school and I miss her so much and it's like well I didn't even show her I loved her at all while I was actually with her. I cried so many times on the car ride back and couldn't breathe I almost had to pull over and I'm crying now silently in my bed. Why can't I control my emotions ever I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I am so sad and unhappy I right now I just want to cry so much and I can hardly see as I type this why can't I just be the person that I want to be instead I ruin everything and make myself so miserable I can't stand it

I am so scared and worried that I'll be like this for my entire life. So sad and down and just feeling so worthless and upset all the time. It used to be that I was mostly happy and sometimes down but now it's like I'm mostly down and sometimes happy. Why do I get like this. I try I figure out what sets it off but I just don't know I hope I can find a way out of it

Bad reaction

Why did I come home I've been here for about 2 hours and I can't think or breathe just freak out and cry I just don't get why I am having this reaction it's worse than any anxiety attack I usually get and I have to hide it from my mom she wanted me to come home so badly I need someone to hold me and play with my hair and whisper to me it's alright I just need someone

Scared

I can sense a really big anxiety attack coming on. All I want to do is cry myself to sleep but that's not really an option with five roommates. Never thought I'd say it but I am so homesick I just do not want to be here at all

Words

Even one little word can bring a memory rush back to me and make me so, so sad. I hate how in matter of 30 seconds I can go from being perfectly content, reading a book, to sobbing and feeling so low.

Thoughts on Christmas

My Christmas is pretty much never normal. Ever since this horrible disease took over my family's life years ago. My sister is in the hospital for Christmas, but sadly, that is nothing new. This Christmas, I didn't really ask for anything. Opening up gifts was the farthest thing from my mind this morning. (I still haven't opened most of my gifts, just a few things from my mom). Anyways, in some ways, I am glad to have such a different mindset from mostly everyone I know my age. People were tweeting, instagramming, and texting about all of the things they got for Christmas and how excited they were to open their presents. The best part of my day was spending quality time with my mom. I really hate the holidays, but I know I might come to like them again. If I have to be thankful for something, I'm glad that I know what's really important in life rather than getting caught up in all the materialistic things like nearly everyone I know. I wish I could tell everyone just to stop thinking about what they are getting for five minutes and enjoy time with their family because those moments can be ripped away from your life without a moment's notice and you can never get them back.

adult

I've discovered you know you're truly an adult when you start taking care of your parents instead of it being the other way around

Cutesy post

Normally I hate when people post about sick cutesy stuff but I was studying with the boy yesterday and he threw a paper airplane at me with this little note on it. It made me smile the whole night and I just looked at it again as a pick me up for studying. God I seriously got lucky. :)