It's crazy how I can be so mad at him, seriously livid, and then when I hear his voice and talk to him, everything is better. I wish I could write a manual on myself for everyone that I interact with about what to do when I'm upset. It's very simple. Just try to talk to me and don't give up if I seem mad because once I talk about my feelings for 5 minutes or so, I drop it and everything is fine. This post is very vague, but sometimes I just need to be mad and for someone to acknowledge it, is that so wrong?

I have a shopping problem

SERIOUSLY!!!! It's sick. I shouldn't even go on websites. I really want a pair of high waisted jean shorts, so I went on Forever21 since it's something I don't want to spend a lot on. I now have over $200 worth of merchandise in my cart and I can't take anything out! Nothing is that expensive and some things I would definitely return, but I really want to order all of it. Ugh. I should just close the tab and not buy anything, right? It's just so tough! I don't live close to a Forever21 so I can really only order online. At least I set aside savings when I get each paycheck, but if I order it, I'm going to be skimping on everything else this month. Someone stop meeeeee please.

Last night I started feeling so down on myself for some reason and doubting everything in my relationship and the future. I'm worried G and I are going to grow distant again because whenever I feel him being just a little distant, I pull away and then get mad. Sometimes even one off day can lead to weeks of off days and I'm just worried that's going to happen again. I hate that one person can make me feel so down. I know it's not fair for me to expect to be his priority when I'm not even there, but I think I just take things too seriously sometimes. I always feel like I put more into all of my relationships than I get out, but I don't know why that is.

paranoid thoughts

Why does my mind always jump to the worst places when I don't hear back from someone? Not only oh no, what could I have done wrong? did I upset them somehow?, but then to what if they're lying dead somewhere? what if they are drugged and kidnapped? what if I never see/hear from them again? I don't know, maybe I just have an overactive imagination, but I can't stop FREAKING OUT when it has been a long time and someone hasn't called or texted me back. Even though I can also think of plenty of logical explanations why they wouldn't be responding, none of those logical thoughts can do anything to push away all of the negative and extremely paranoid thoughts. I wish everyone could just respond to me within an hour so I would not feel this way. Or that I could follow my own advice and chill out and not have to worry about everyone else so much. Please go away, horrible thoughts!!!!

Ugh whenever I leave G I miss him so much it hurts. I really didn't think I would cry yesterday but I did. It's just the worst and sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself. It's insane how one person can control so much of your emotions and mean so much to your happiness. Everything is just better when I'm with him. Even though I was sick all weekend (stomach virus :/ ), I still had a great time because we just talked and cuddled and watched college basketball all weekend. Yeah, I would have had way more fun if I had been well, but it was still great. It's just so hard having to say goodbye every time I see him.

Attempting to Blog Again

Well, I think I am going to come back to blogging! I stopped because most blogs that I read turned into things that I didn't like. My blog is like my online diary, but most blogs out there seem to be completely unrealistic and they aren't fun to read. Anyways, this blog is for me, so who knows how long I'll be back at it, but we'll see!

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